Rob: Hey Jan. Good, thanks, you? I think theres a frustratingI dont know what to call it, but adding monetary transaction to a relationship doesnt always make it better. You're very welcome. Im one of those foreigners who are mystified with the use of How are you? in the US. I ask this question all the time. With friends and family you can be more honest if you like, but you dont have to. Why do you ask? is my go-to response as well. Im an introvert that needs enough time in my week for quieter things around my own home without people. I get it from friends (who usually just want to find a time to hang and thats not so bad), my cousin (who usually wants me to babysit), my mom (whenever she wants to invite me somewhere), and people Im chatting with on dating websites. (This one is so trite that it takes a few moments for the humor to sink in.) But different cultural norms! And it is really freaking wearing on them that people in the UK will correct them if they say theyre British. Michael Wiley on Twitter: "RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. You went out and you didnt even invite me? he said, Well I asked you if you had plans and you said you were doing homework! Well yeah, because I had no other plans at that time because you did not indicate to me that there were any other options! No more Did I say sunday I meant saturday, now you have to change all your weekend plans ever again. - Joseph Addison - Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. So when you talk about watching her leisure time and knowing how she spends it all, I hear a situation that would be psychologically unhealthy for a teenager, let alone someone in their mid-twenties. BLah, I realized I didnt finish the thought, I suppose that before I started responding that way they thought I was sitting alone rocking back and forth in the dark.. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. I think with the people I know it is fairly mutually asked for that reason. So setting a rent that I would for any other adult is simply not applicable. I think you nailed it with that last bit, to an epic degree. Also my spouse and I have given each other full permission to use the other one as an excuse whenever needed. Oh you want to invite me to happy hour [with a bunch of colleagues I hate when theyre sober let alone when theyre drunk]? Like, you want to hang out with me, but dont want to ask me straight up. Its not over-sensitivity when people react to it theyre reacting to what they know is likely to be underneath it. LW gets that we all know this, and should be less friggin bigoted about shoving our nosy questions at a population for whom nosy questions are constantly tied to real threats of violence. There were several problems that led to the death of that relationship, but communication (on both sides) was for sure one of them. My daughter is also struggling with brainweasels and getting a job. 29+ Funny Responses to Compliments - Self Development Journey Good to know! If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. I live in a face culture, so saving the face of the invitee who wants to turn your invitation down is very important. Though I am at the point where if my coworker invites me to Toastmasters one more time, Im just going to cheerfully say, You know, I just dont see myself ever being interested in that. (Though I dont think its likely in this case since the last invitation went something like: Hey, if youre interested, Toastmasters is going to be at [X] time and Im going to be speaking, Great, have fun with that!, I know what that means.). A little of this, a little of that. Theres a great body of research on the pileup of mental stress on the interrupted person, and the habit encourages the interrupter to indulge in constant watching and judging of how another adult spends their R&R downtime, which isnt good for the interrupter either, since it breeds resentment, often of a very petty kind. So with someone new, Did you do anything good last weekend? And it happens often enough, with friends/family/acquaintances, that it can get annoying, but I generally dont jump straight to why do you ask unless theyve previously over-stepped in presuming my time was theirs since Im doing nothing (that I want them to know about or feel like talking about). What are you up to? for those I am not interested in carving out space for.). So, when they ask what youre doing this weekend and seem likely skip ahead to of course youre going to my potluck and bringing the thing I promised everyone youll bring without actually asking you and/or so you can babysit ALL WEEKEND LONG, be ok with letting them down. Hed ask me what Im doing for the weekend and when i started to tell him a selection of my actual plans hed cut me off while I was talking to make fun of how boring or lame I am or some other stupid comment. Me: Yeah, Ive got some stuff I have to get done. 150+ Funny and Witty Answers to the Question "How Are You?" If someone asked why I was asking such a nosy question, I would apology-barf all over them, then call my wife, my mother, and my best friend and ask them what I was supposed to do instead. That way they know Im not just sitting around with nothing to do, so I havent just signed myself up for free babysitting or moving services. How should I respond? #1078: "Sooooooowhat are you doing this weekend?" Her Kid: *rings doorbell* again my mum says shall we wait for you? Ill do it anyway, but saying it that way doesnt make it somehow not an order, Mom! I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. What are you up to on Saturday? has often been my go-to when dealing with someone (like my sister) that I *know* will feel pressured to accept whatever Im suggesting whether or not she wants to or has the time/energy for it. 1. When its done as the pre-request, I get really annoyed that the person wont just ask me directly. And they tend to be very very very sure of what counts as racism (nothing they do/say, of course), with an overlay of you should be grateful I am nice to you to wrap it all up. Like I said, you know the people and the situation better than I, an Internet Stranger, do. In every group Ive been in it is socially acceptable and expected that you can say youre busy for whatever reason you want. If its something Im keen on, the answer is, Woot! I clean up nice, don't I. At the very least, it makes you feel like the place you live isnt really your homethat youll never belong or be from there, that you have no claim to it. My white mom has a very unusual first name (I dont know of anyone with a name that is even similar, AND its spelled with a non-English character) and, 40 years after she moved to the US people still ask her where shes from. I agree with you based on what shes told me, it feels very othering, and she resents it. The good news is that when you sense an ulterior motive or that an invitation is imminent you can answer Dunno, Id have to look at my calendar to say for sure. Updog. I know people who mean well dont like hearing this, but I think that its important for people who mean well to also consider how the people they interact with might feel, so I consider this type of information to be useful to anyone who truly wants others to feel welcomed and comfortable. (Right Now): What are you doing sometimes means at the very present in which activity are you involved in? Ill have to check with E and let you know is super convenient. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?". We had to interrupt her to say, We = mom and me, and you got mad so fast, we never got to say would you like to come along? heres what i dont get: why would it be a problem, in the scenario youve given, to say, eh, i wish, but im swamped this week, shitYXZs been happening, ill ping you next week tho. I guess turning down invites is probably just a point of stress for me though, because people have historically gotten annoyed at me for being busy and turning down their invites, when its just like Please find out if Im actually available first so you dont take it personally that I cant hang this weekend?. I think the idea is that someone who thinks no is hard will get the direct request and start cancelling plans, because no one would actually directly ask for babysitting unless this was the most important event of their lives. And the balls in their court if they were actually trying to set up something fun. I have a group of friends now whom I trust not to give me a hard time about the explicit choice to paint my toenails in front of Netflix instead of going out. I usually end up saying something noncommittal like I might be doing xyz, but Im not sure yet why? and waiting to see what the actual deal is. Funny Responses to "How Are You?" (& Other Questions!) - Science of People OMG yes! But for the LW when its potential datepeople, I do find that, Not sure yet why, do you have something fun in mind? has a pretty decent response rate. have a Canadian accent that some USians pick up, and I dont mind if people ask if Im Canadian). Then there is the Miss Manners rebuff, where the pitch is level until the final word is raised. Im okay not giving you your exact expected or hoped for answer. Trust issues and controlling family? Im usually free Wednesdays and Thursdays, or I could do a weekend if we plan ahead., Translation: I want to have dinner with you sometime. Its all the other situations I listed that bother me the ones where I dont always know the purpose of the question / true intent of the asker, or I suspect its to get me to do something. But I have wondered if I answer with imaginary bf and I have x-plans, if the questions would stop. Was he not getting back to her soon enough? May suggest reversing the order of operations? I like why do you ask? as a pre-programmed autoresponse, because it leaves room for them to stay, just wondering if you have fun plans, or making conversation.. Oh yes, this! This realization is making me like Tuesdays more.) When you are waiting for the Good morning text. Am I? I think people are missing the fact that LW is talking about some instances of this running down lines of power and dominance, which is why this is such a problem. Theres always some kind of obligation, because theyre my parents and I love them and I want to honor what theyve done for me in giving me a great life. to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. I also trained myself to say, Oh just marathoning *show I like* or I picked up a new book and cant wait to dive in! which they translate to doing a thing. (I suppose they thought that before I responded that way. But if I dont, I have that empathy worry, like what if they only said yes because they felt like they couldnt say no? Are you busy? E- Excitement. As for rentpart of my problem with that is: I would never, ever rent a room to a non-family member. Getting up before 10:30 drinking some more beer and starting to work on my truck/dirt bike this should consume your whole Saturday until about 10:00 then you drink lots of beer and head out with your buds. If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. Oh LW this might be one of my very biggest pet peeves. Uggggghhhh flashbacks to a previous boything of my own. You enjoy making this girl smile and make her day with your humor. This business of judging what another adult does with their leisure hours (with the obvious caveat that they harm no one) is bad enough, but insisting on the right to interrupt that time to set another adult extra chores is unreasonable in most circumstances, and not good for anybody. Most of those projects and research were for fanfiction. I really appreciate that, even though my parents and I had conflict, they never threatened to kick me out if I couldnt pay the rent. This suitable during the Halloween period. Like, if you say you have nothing really planned, and you get asked to babysit or on a date, are you actually okay saying Sorry, cant this time? I myself often do not care what Im eating because FOOD, but even if I have zero preference as to the restaurant, I will engage in the decision making process in order to help the other person out, and also because it gets us to food that much faster. The most generic reply to a compliment is always going to be "thank you". Me: Nope. Yes, exactly. And for that age range of teens into mid-twenties, its developmentally normal to not adult well in spaces/tasks/areas of endeavor where they cannot do so unsurveilled by childhood parental authority figures, but to abruptly adult extremely well and competently when freed from that surveillance. 1. No, just running some errands. You are hearing pressure where there is none; and even if there were a little pressure, the grownup way to deal with it is to push back firmly but politelyno whining, no yelling, no accusing, no lecturing. Unless I have specific plans that I want to talk about, my two go to answers are: Oh, Im not sure yet! if Im open to a suggestion from who Im talking to; or Oh, Im not sure yet, why? if I feel like theyre being nosy or trying to figure out what my schedule is so they can invite me to something when they know Im free then put pressure on my if I say no (mother, Im looking at you). This is a very funny response to give to "whats up." Usually, the asker will tell me why they asked after I answer, no matter what the answer is (busy, not busy, dont know). 26+ Funny Responses to Being Asked on a Date (Replying Yes or No) Speaking about sudden change of moods and plans, and friends getting you: Several years ago, at the phone, ten minutes before a scheduled meeting with my friends in a pub to watch the incoming results of the Brexit referendum. There have been days when I could be found dancing on the couch and all over the house with this and Bad Reputation on a playback loop, both middle fingers proudly in the air. Flat? Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. Im trying to train her out of the habit. But sometimes that comes across as I just dont want to, and thats pretty hurtful. Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. My blood pressure. There are several possible moves in response to this gambit. In the case of friends and dates, I feel like sometimes its a slightly manipulative way of getting me to do the actual asking / planning. Going to mars where children don't ask questions. COME TO LOOSE PLAN HANGOUT THING THAT IM INVOLVED IN OR ELSE YOU MIGHT SHRIVEL AND DIE! and they had the best intentions. Sometimes I think if Im going to make something up it might as well be along the lines of going to the moon or whatever. I love organizing events and I confess to having asked that annoying question several times, mostly in order to know if a particular friend I would love to invite is available on that date. That being said, I am always happy when I get to tell people that I dont answer that question because the answer gets me stereotyped and it keeps us from getting to know each other as individuals. Why not? 76 Best Replies and Answers to How Are You Doing? - Trending Us So I love this response cuz its keeping it real! I think w/ friends, if youre open to the getting together, you can say, Were you thinking of trying to get together? in a hopeful tone. Sometimes I feel like this is just another Hi, how are you? kind of question that can be sort of skipped over. If I get hungry enough, Ill consider eating them. Your kids are loud. Covid-19 lockdown: what to say when asked what you did last night Dont for a second feel guilty about judging a nosy male as no good if they ask nosy questions and show any sign of caring if you dont answer. Can we not with passing judgement on the validity of the LWs feelings about this phrase? As far as I can tell both we should hang out sometime/lets have lunch and yeah, we should can translate to you are a nice person I have run into on the street or to I want to see you, lets make plans.. The fact that LW is this bugged about it shows theres a problem and the parent is being manipulative. You're supposed to live it and enjoy it. I think there is something to be said for family relationships between adults where the balance is between emotional labor and responsibility for the home rather than money. "I'll get back to you once I'm back from my long-awaited trip to the fridge.". I do want to clarifyI miswrote: if my daughter says she needs to take some mental health time and thats why she cant spend an hour helping me w/ a family project, thats not fallout worthshes busy. It could trick your family members into thinking that you actually have your life together. (FWIW, Im not that extreme myself. MY plans!) Ive spent some time in California and I never really know how to respond correctly. You get to notice pretty fast that your opinions, feelings and thoughts dont matter if they dont conform to a view of the world that doesnt let them look like heroes and you like a cultural clich. If a stranger or acquaintance says, How are you? its mostly just meant as a greeting, and you greet them back by saying, Im good, thanks or Doing alright or Oh fine, and you? Just some standard vague but positive-sounding reply. after Ive made my piece clear. I dont know. leaving them vulnerable to all kinds of predation as teens and young adults. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. Weekend is like God's blessing! Do you have time to talk?" "What Are You Up To?" Can Be a Way to Ask "Are You Busy?" Here's another example: Jana: Hi Rob, how are you? Also, Ive had dozens of this same conversation and witnessed hundreds more: [person comes up to their friend] 22. I know that doesnt solve your overall problem, and I dont know what a reasonable solution is Im Sorry youre struggling right now. I miss you though, can we plan dinner soon? And I have a date Saturday, but I would love to get a phone call-catchup on the calendar if youre freemaybe Sunday afternoon? (These examples are all people I want to spend time with I also use a lot of swamped this weekend! I dont hear it much in my circles, and if it does come up I just say something noncommittal and wait for them to present a direct invitation or request if they want to. Justit can be a lot sometimes. Doing great, what are you doing here? It feels like a lot of just Use Your Words advice is setting people up for a shock when they realize that their coworkers or acquaintances are offput by it.